Saturday, September 22, 2012

Random mumblings as another year goes by.

Many say I'm focused and always seem to have a goal - regardless in school, work, or in life. I don't.

Fall is definately not one of my favorite seasons and it has already been a year ago since my mom passed away (9/22 RIP). Aside from missing her a whole lot, I'm always asking why did this happen to someone nice and someone who did everything right in their lives?

She led by example and taught me everything from how to brush my teeth, cook a healthy meal, recognizing Chinese characters, and how to treat others with respect and care. Now she's gone. Sometimes I wonder the true value of life, and does it really matter if I do everything right and try my best? Apparently not.

To be honest I don't know what I'm doing; going to work, eating dinner, and going on holidays is just like the norm but something is missing. The feeling of emptiness that regardless what I do, I won't be able to change anything in the end somewhat bums me out. The only thing I'm doing is cherish those who care about me and be nice to them.

I'm really not sure if this is something that everyone goes through as they age - when they see loved ones die off one by one. I'm not talking about some retarded Joe Blow who kills themselves on the news; but I'm talking about people whom you've personally dealt with for tens of years suddenly being gone. I can name at least 15 close friends who lost their family member at a young age.

I'm still doing things I liked such as travelling, and two days ago marked my 16th flight of the year. I'm still continuing to try my best at work; and doing what I can for my family, girlfriend, and close friends. However Mom's lost battle with Cancer is just like a slap in the face. Everything can change drastically within a couple months and things that we've strived so hard to achieve doesn't matter, within a blink of an eye. At times it feels like regardless of what we do, it doesn't matter, nothing does.


可可 said...

I was just thinking how one year has passed and was thinking about you.
I remember when Ka's dad was gone, it made me think how vulnerable we are in life and realize how there are things that are just out of our control. What we do seems to "end" when we leave, but it doesnt. Things we do matter. Because what we do touch others in our lives. Just like what your mom did touched and influenced you, and others in her life.

AJEYA RAO said...

Loved ones are always to stay in memories. I am glad to see you back on blog world after an year.

Edmlee said...

Thanks Coconut and Ajeya.
Yeah, definately mom made a world of influence and will always be remembered.

esilee said...

Life is full of disappointments.

Never a day went by I didn't ask why? Why?!

Mama, with such a beautiful heart, positive outlook, healthy lifestyle...claimed by the most dreadful disease with absolutely no reasoning at all.

I understand your emptiness. I lost my guiding light, my best friend, my anchor, my dearest mama. Mama is sorely missed. But nothing we can do about it but lived on day by day, doing what we think is right; and just wishing that there really is a heaven that we can re-unite with mama someday.

You just keep on taking care of yourself like how mama would take care of you, and keep doing everything that makes her proud.

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